Tales and Musings

Finally, I was able to organize my thoughts. As usual, I wasn't planning on it; it just kinda spewed in a comment on someone else's journal.

I dislike that meme and haven't posted it. It was worded rather the way I imagine the Gestapo would have worded some of their directives, back in the day. First, I loathe the term 'gay rights'. We're not asking for rights that nobody else has. We're asking for the same rights everyone else already has.

Specifically, from my point of view, the most important right (that I don't have at this point)is the right to legally marry the person of my choice. The government says my choice is limited to men. That's unacceptable to me, as I'm a lesbian. Granted, I have a rather specific, personal view of 'gay rights'. If I wasn't gay, I might not feel so strongly about marriage rights, but I am, so I do. Having been married to a man previously, the differences between 'legally married' and 'not legally married' are starkly evident to me. I realize there are other rights that are just as important, and I'm in favor of those rights being extended to us, too. It's just that the marriage thing hits me where I live.

I'm delighted to know that so many people on my f-list are in favor of equality for all people. It warms the cockles of my cranky and antisocial little heart. Seriously.

Here's what I think about equality for LGBT people, as posted to a comment in wolfiekins's journal.

That meme worked a nerve on me, too. I didn't post it. If people can't figure out from my profile (and my charming icon *g*) that I'm in favor of equal civil rights for all people, I probably don't want to know 'em. I did post a nifty banner I found as a result of said meme, but that's it.

It's easy to get frustrated over the seeming lack of progress on the civil rights front. But think about it a minute. Stonewall happened in 1969, just before my second birthday. That's where I (and most historians) mark the beginning of the fight for 'gay rights'. I hate that term, and prefer 'equality for LGBT people' in its place, but you know what I mean, yes? In thirty seven years we've come a very long way. The LGBT community has gone from being the people that self styled 'decent folk' never ever talked about or acknowledged the existence of to being a pervasive presence in the world; in politics, in business, in economics, in popular culture, in slash fanfic *g*, and almost everywhere else you look. Hell, some denominations of Christianity even accept us, and we have our very own denomination, too. We can marry in many places (OK, about ten countries, maybe less) around the globe, and it's no longer illegal in the US for a person to be homosexual, by virtue of the United States Supreme Court ruling in 2003.

It took a hundred and two years from the end of the Civil War in 1865 to the end of the ban on interracial marriage, handed down by the United States Supreme Court (Loving vs Virginia) in 1967. Before 1967, the United States had a patchwork of interracial marriage laws, varying from state to state, much as we have now for gay and lesbian marriage/domestic partnership laws. It took longer than a hundred and two years for there to be significant gains in racial equality; we were well into the seventies before there was anything that even approached true equality going on there. I think we're doing things backward, but it seems to be working. Thirty five years ago, nobody would have blinked when Matthew Shepherd was killed. Thirty five years ago, anyone who publicly came out of the closet at a press conference would have likely been stoned to death. Then lynched to be sure the stoning worked properly.

Are we done fighting? No. Will we ever be? Not until I can legally marry my wife in every state in the Union and every country in the world. Commitment ceremonies are well and good and they serve a purpose, but until I get the same tax breaks every other married couple gets, we're not equal. I can approximate the rights and responsibilities of marriage...with two thousand dollars worth of legal documents. Even then, we still can't file joint tax returns. Even then, if the authorities so choose, she's not considered my legal next of kin. Even then, I can be banned from her hospital room, not notified if she's in an accident. Even then, I can only add her to my health insurance, and vice versa, if the company I work for is enlightened. Even then, her family could swoop in and take over (if they weren't terrified of me) if she passed away before me (unlikely, as I'm older, but possible). Even then, my parents could have chosen to fight me for custody of my children, and won, when our relationship was made public. Until all those things, and many many more, are no longer true, we're not equal. But we're getting there, much faster than anyone ever anticipated.

I think that's what pisses off the Religious Reich so much. Despite their best efforts, and their undeniable ability to prevent us from legally marrying one another at this time, they're still losing their fight. Badly.

OK, normally I don't get upset (much) over the whole 'gay people aren't quite human so let's deny them the same civil rights everyone else has' thing. I have what I want in life, I donate to the appropriate organizations that can advance gay rights, and I vote responsibly. That's all I can reasonably do at this point, as I'm unwilling for my wife and I to be the poster girls for same sex marriage in Missouri. Illinois might be a different story, if we indeed move there.

The Texas legislature has managed to make me ill...again. Their Proposition 2 has passed, thus invalidating a bunch of domestic violence protections and pointing out that same sex marriage is just not going to happen there. Marriage does not require a legal recognition in order for it to be marriage. All this posturing doesn't deny us marriage. It denies us equal legal protections for the marriages we already have.

Let me explain, if you can bear with me. There are two distinct components to marriage as it exists today; the religious blessing part and the legal rights part. We're currently being denied the legal rights part BECAUSE the religious reich in this country cannot differentiate between the two. They haven't the wit or the intellect to do so. Nor do the sheeple that follow them. That's unfortunate. It does not change the fact that my wife and I are married, and will remain so. It does not change the fact that we went through $2500 worth of paperwork to approximate the rights and responsibilities of marriage by way of wills, durable powers of attorney, custody agreements that are ironclad (because all involved parties signed them) and various property maneuvers. We're lucky - we can afford all the rigamarole. We have the rights that religious bigots try so hard to deny us, except when it comes to tax returns, and that actually works in our favor.

I can walk into half the churches (roughly) in my city and speak to the ranking clergyperson there and make arrangements to have a 'Civil Union' ceremony performed, no problem. I can arrange for the appropriate religious blessing to be bestowed upon us. In fact, I have. We're so sappy, we renew our vows every five years. The words are the same, the intent is the same; it's a marriage ceremony with a different name given it to satisfy the congregation that somehow a Civil Union is distinctly different from a marriage. Codswallop.

We have Episcopalian churches, three of them; all perform same sex marriage ceremonies without fuss and the unions are recorded in the church records, same as anyone else's would be. Some Methodist, Presbyterian, UCC, MCC and various other churches will also perform a similar ceremony. The Baptists, for the most part, won't. Likewise the Catholics, although there ARE Catholic priests who will bless your union as long as the location of the ceremony is somewhere other than a church. These priests, at great personal risk, perform a service for those gay people who are staunchly Catholic.

To hear a religious bigot talk, if a church blessing is given by a priest or minister, then it's valid. Fine. I've had an Episcopalian ceremony with all the trimmings, including happily tearful parents in the front pew (mine, not hers - her father doesn't cry; acquiring two goofy brothers in law whom I adore and a sister in law I truly detest; and an embarassing, noisy and deliciously amusing reception at a nice hotel after. Obligatory beach filled honeymoon followed, sans children. It was glorious.

My wife wanted it, we did it. She'd never been married before, and wanted all the trimmings, stating that it was the ONLY time she intended to marry, and she WOULD show off proudly to our family and friends. We accomplished that in spades. I wore the dress; she chose a tuxedo, because she's not a dress wearing lesbian. Grin...not counting our wedding night, when she wore...never mind. My children, now our children, were adorable little flower girls in rainbow silk dresses (I'm such a drama queen, but I could not resist the symbolism). I'm a bit older than my wife, and had already been married and divorced once. Learnt my lesson there; I'm not meant to spend my life with a man. Most miserable three years of my life, that was.

My youngest child was barely walking when we did it the first time, and required a much larger dress when we did it the second time. The third time will be interesting; both daughters will be dating or married or some such. I've often reflected that it's almost a given that our girls will marry level headed, down to earth men, simply by virtue of the fact that their parents are a lesbian couple and some guy who's not around very often. Being invited to meet with parents will likely make any incipient bigots turn tail and run.

I digress. My point is: we're married. We share a checkbook, a bed, a kitchen, bills, trips to the vet and pediatrician. We share a remote control with equanimity. We fight, we fuss, we make up, we make love (yeah, not as often as we'd like, with two kids, but...), we sleep, we worry about our children, we alternate holiday plans and family visits. We attend school conferences and extracurricular events, together. We socialize with our friends, we decide together how much we're going to donate each year, and to whom. We bought, decorated and furnished our home together and both our names are on the deed. At one point, we even had the dreaded suburban mini van to haul children around to various activities in.

When she's gone out with her pool playing buddies and has a bit too much to drink, I hold her head while she rids herself of it and comfort her. Admittedly, this doesn't happen as often as it did before she turned thirty, but it happens now and again. It's all right. When I'm ill, which is often, she takes care of me and fusses till I'm about to go mad via solicitousness. She knows precisely how much I can take of being coddled and gives me what I need, then backs off a bit so I can breathe.

I don't work, at the moment (wretched illness). This has not always been the case. When the children were small, it was more often her working part time or not at all while I pursued the American Rat Race. Either way, it doesn't matter. We manage to have enough, and we're equal partners. We don't have roles, other than the fact that she refuses, flat out, to wear a dress in public. We're just two people who love each other to distraction and who have promised to spend their lives together. We're married. Unique unto ourselves, just like every other married couple.

I do not understand a nation that claims to be the bastion of individual freedom claiming that some people have the right to marry one another and some people do not. Surely equal rights means equal rights for ALL people, not just the heterosexuals. I have hope; the young people of this nation seem to understand how wrong much of my generation is. At some point, I'd like to have that piece of paper that gives legal recognition to the fact that my wife is, indeed, my wife.

I found what's below in someone else's journal. It illustrates the hypocrisy of our nation quite well, I think.

~*~*~*~*~*~



01) Being gay is not natural.
Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Anyway, I think I'm done now.

Blessings,

Jadzia, her wife, the children, the cats and assorted relatives who support us.